Monday, February 24, 2014


  1. move out of or away from something and come into view.

“She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom.” 
― Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter


Yep, that sounds about right.

Do you ever look back at a particular time in your life and think to yourself, "Wow. How on earth did I get through that?" 

I do.

Newborn times come to mind. I know I felt like I was underwater, literally, during those periods. Like life was foggily occurring around me and I could see shadows and hear muffled representations of what was happening, but I was not a participant, at least not fully.

I am beginning to realize that these last years have been like that for me.

It's odd though, I only realize it now that I am through a good deal of the darkness.

It's been a hard time. 

There have been good parts too- such good parts. Seeing the tangible, practical ways in which those who care about me live out their love for me.
Seeing the grace and newness of this fresh Spring season of life. Noting and admiring the strength and emotional fortitude of my children. Loving and being loved in truth. 

Good things.

I feel somewhat ungrateful, talking about the dark things, the hard things, the pain. If I had to choose between remembering the good or remembering the bad, I know, with absolute certainty, that I would forget the bad in a heartbeat.

It doesn't work that way, though.

I want it to- but alas, once again my wants don't dictate the universe.


I've had to face the unhealthy ways I've dealt with my insecurities. Deal with people's gossip. Face the fact that if my identity consisted in the life I had before, it was lying in rubble at my feet. 

I've had to deal with anger. Grief. Fear. Rejection.

I think the hardest part was having to take the stripped down, no-frills version of myself and accept it. 

I like accessories. Like committee titles, being married longer than most of my friends, always having the answer, being a "perfect" parent (that's hiliarious by the way)...... those things make me feel.... presentable. 



But guess what? When you don't have those shiny features for awhile, you get to experience the humility and utter joy that comes when people love you anyhow.

I've truly experienced community. As a taker as well as a giver.

It is beautiful. Humbling, but lovely.

I'm not going back.

Emerging, to me, is a process that by its very nature lends itself to permanence. That is what I mean about not going back. Like birth. Or puberty. I mean, seriously, you can't go back. Once you've emerged, going back is just yuck

I look forward to the next part of the story with anticipation.